my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
