just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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