if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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