So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
