i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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