apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
