There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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