omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize