i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
