I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
