genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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