oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
