No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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