oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
