Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
