I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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