If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
