Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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