Well apparently he's into motor boating.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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