Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
