i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
