What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
How external is "for external use only"?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
