Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
