So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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