i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
