Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
