two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
