im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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