I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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