Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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