I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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