you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
