After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
