How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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