a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just google imaged poop.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Randomize