Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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