my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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