I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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