I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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