i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
