Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
