This dress was meant to end up on your floor
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
