i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
