Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize