Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
