Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
