The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize