Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
