my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
