Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
