so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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