Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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