does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Pants are for mortals
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
