Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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