just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
