Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
