After last night, I could never be a politician.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
