So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
