Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
