Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
