i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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