I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
where are you?
Hypothermia
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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